My way. A journey through life from Johannesburg to Cape Town
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Releasing my heart from its desolate jail.
I soared like a bird through a limitless sky,
Your arrows let loose made my spirit fly high.
Not demon, nor angel, just lost in life’s gale,
You found in my soul the safe harbour you’d trail.
Your burdens forgotten, your sorrows erased,
Your voice found in mine, your spirit embraced.
With faith and with truth, you anchored in me,
And saw in my gaze all you wanted to see.
Yet tangled are nets that you cast in the sea,
Your nights cold and weary, still searching for me.
With hope in your palm, your heart you bestowed,
Now beating in mine where its light has bestowed.
But restless am I, though your soul I hold tight,
For yours will not own me, not morning nor night.
My life’s made of steps, small and often unseen,
Each guiding me closer to what I must mean.
To master life’s reins, to awaken the soul,
To grasp my own worth and to seek my true goal.
Yes, life is a school, its lessons immense—
Could I tame the wild steed called happiness?
This is my tale…
“Manuscripts do not burn.” These immortal words by Bulgakov resonate deeply as I begin this journey – not a memoir in the conventional sense but fragments of a rebellious heart. Here lie myths, fragments of biography, and intuition, woven togewther to form a narrative as boundless as the tides of the Neva.
To write is to be alive. To write is to love, to wait, to hope, and to believe.
This is a story of resilience, a testament to inner freedom, and the discovery of one’s soul against the relentless backdrop of time and fate. It is about the strength we summon from within – not bestowed by the world, but born of our defiance against it. This is the story of how I became who I am, of a journey from Saint Petersburg’s frostbitten streets to the sunlit roads of South Africa.
SAINT PETERSBURG – THE CITY ON THE NEVA
Here, the river whispers to gilded spires and pastel facades, its voice an echo of a city steeped in history. The canals glisten like threads of silver beneath the twilight sky, and every bridge arches like a poised ballerina, connecting not just shores but centuries. This city is a dream frozen in time, a testament to resilience and splendour. The Neva itself, at once serene and tempestuous, mirrors the soul of Saint Petersburg – a soul as enigmatic as the lives that weave through it.
It is here that my story begins, beneath the shadows of palaces and the glow of winter sunsets. The city has always been more than a home; it is a reflection of my soul, a place where past and present dance in an eternal waltz. Every cobblestone, every canal, holds the weight of history, the whispers of czars, poets, and dreamers.
My roots run deep in this storied city, entwined with the grandeur of its past. I am a descendant of an old aristocratic family, whose legacy remains etched into the fabric of Saint Petersburg’s history. My ancestors walked these very streets in a different time, their lives intertwined with the imperial court, their ambitions shaping the cultural and intellectual foundations of this city. Their portraits hang in halls where gilded chandeliers still cast their glow, silent witnesses to a lineage of strength, intellect, and artistry.
This heritage is both a blessing and a burden – a weight I carry with pride and responsibility. From a young age, I was taught to honour the values of dignity, resilience, and grace. My education was steeped in history, literature, and the arts, guided by the knowledge that I was not merely living for myself but for the continuation of something greater.
Yet, beneath the veneer of elegance and privilege lay a quiet rebellion. As much as I cherished my lineage, I yearned for a life beyond its expectations. I wanted to carve my own path, to discover a world unshackled by tradition and propriety.
THE CALL OF THE NEVA
But life is not a fairy tale. As I stood on the banks of the Neva, the wind biting at my cheeks, I felt the stirrings of restlessness. I was searching for something – though I did not yet know what. The city I loved so deeply felt at times like a gilded cage. Beneath its beauty lay a quiet sorrow, a yearning for something beyond its borders, a freedom that no bridge could connect and no canal could contain.
The Neva, with its endless current, seemed to mirror my own longing – a desire to move forward, to break free from the confines of my life, yet always tethered by the invisible thread of memory and belonging. The city, much like the river, carried my dreams and fears, flowing steadily through the labyrinth of my thoughts.
A JOURNEY BEYOND
One day, standing by the Palace Bridge, watching the Neva flow beneath me, I knew it was time to leave. It was not an escape but a journey. I wasn’t running away from Saint Petersburg; I was carrying its essence with me, weaving its legacy into the fabric of my future.
My first steps away from Saint Petersburg were tentative. It was difficult to leave the city that had shaped me, to part from its timeless streets and ethereal skies. But life often demands that we leave what we love in order to grow.
I set my sights on South Africa, a land so different from the snowy elegance of my home. The idea seemed surreal – exchanging the Neva’s icy embrace for the sun-drenched landscapes of the African continent. Yet, deep down, I felt that this journey would unlock something within me, something that had been dormant for too long.
As I boarded the train that would take me away from the city, I looked back one last time. The gilded spires of Saint Petersburg shimmered in the morning light, the canals reflecting the pastel hues of the sky. It was a farewell, but not an ending. The city would remain a part of me, its spirit interwoven with my own.