Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

Матвеев Сергей Александрович

* * *

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

* * *

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, [94] you didn’t have to keep yours.

* * *

Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

94

broke my promise –

нарушил своё обещание

Little Johnny: I get up early.

* * *

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the way.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot [95] on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

95

huge knot – огромная чалма

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. [96] I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

96

you caught me fair and square – ты достал меня прямо и открыто

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I always win.”

“I did that for you,” responds the magician. “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,” he replied.

The magician smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

Now the golfer looks at him and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

Floored [97] the magician stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

97

floored –

удивлённый

* * *

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track. [98] ”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook [99] made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “

98

that puts you on the track – это наведёт вас на след

99

Captain Cook – капитан Кук

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don’t know much about history.”

* * *

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking [100] …”

100

get a spanking – получить нахлобучку

* * *

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”

“How can I lose?” answered Satan. “All the umpires are down there.”

* * *

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.

When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black.

Satan says, “How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!”

Then God says, “No, Jesus saves. [101] ”

* * *

Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?

Little Johnny: One pound.

Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father.

* * *

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it. [102]

101

Игра слов: saves – спасает; сохраняет информацию

102

be subtle about sth – не высказываться резко о чём-л.