Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
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“I should be too polite, sir, to mention it.”
“I can’t think why they make so much noise about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a much richer voice.”
“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”
“Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?”
“Yes. When Mother used to pull my hair, I wished that I didn’t have any.”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? [86] ”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
86
Ace of Spades –
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.
After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. [87] Where’s the boat?”
“I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning.”
“Do you mean that she drives too fast?”
“No, but she always strikes trees.”
“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
87
I give up – я сдаюсь
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”
“Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache,” said Nelly, a little girl of six.
“That’s because you’ve been without lunch. Your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it.”
In the afternoon the minister came to see Nelly’s mother. While they talked, the minister remarked that he had been suffering all day with an awful headache.
“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nelly. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”
“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife. “My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humour.”
“What has 24 feet, green eyes and a black body?”
“I don’t know – what?”
“I don’t know, either, but you’d better pick it off [88] your neck.”
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, [89] you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, [90] you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”
88
you’d better pick it off –
89
when I got fired – когда меня уволили
90
when I got shot – когда в меня стреляли
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five pound bill to a bum.”
“You gave a bum five whole pounds? [91] That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”
91
five whole pounds – целых пят фунтов
A woman was leaving a cafе` after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. [92] ”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line. [93] ”
92
turned on her – переключился на неё
93
Get in line. – Встаньте в очередь.