Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
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Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, [63] I’m lost! and need directions!”
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put him on the phone –
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his dog lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to the dog. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?” “Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit,” replies the blind man. “Well, it’s none of my business, but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!” To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass! [64] ”
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so I can kick his ass – чтобы я мог дать ему пинка
A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. “Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.” The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. “Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer.
“Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you 10,000 for the horse.”
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?”
“Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar– he hasn’t won a race in his life.”
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
Charles shouted upstairs to his wife, “Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
“Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.
Second snake: Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said, “Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”
What’s the worst thing about washing your cat? Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it.
“Look, son, this is a whale,” said the woman.
“I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,” said the man.
“No, this is a whale,” the woman was very stubborn, as a donkey.
During this time the animal crawled on the land.
“As you see, this is a crocodile,” said the man, “the whales never crawl to the land!”
“Nonsense, you see with your own eyes, that sometimes they do it.”
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence, “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, [65] to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
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mongoose –
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read, “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and studying the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man does not want to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. [66] The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “lb650.”
“lb650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
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Labrador – лабрадор (порода собаки)