The Power of Time

Миллер Павел

– Do your readings in bed. You are so weak, Maximka. You were weak after the surgery, and then broke a bone…

Mother started to cry again, hugging him, and he felt very guilty and upset because of his weakness and her sufferings, so that he could not continue sitting anymore and said:

– Mom, let me lay down, I don’t feel good.

Holding tears, she helped Maxim to lie down and left the room, leaving him alone. He was trying to fight dizziness again, which handicapped his thinking just like the gypsum – his ability to walk. Weakness was draining him out so much, that he felt as thought he had no strength for any action. It is not known for how long he would have to stay in bed. Max understood that he won’t feel better, vice versa, something is disturbing him, pushing on him. One thing was very clear: he needs to fight hard and not to give up despite all difficulties. There is no need to concentrate attention on the weakness or feelings which confuse him. He must proceed further without taking breaks since procrastination is equal to death.

Maxim was thinking about Svetlana Victorovna and realized right away how hard it was for her to make that phone call, and even more hard to say: «I am sorry, I won’t be able to visit you». He didn’t know how to react to that and what else to do so that those feelings disappear. Does she need them if they bring only suffering and she can’t do anything to change them?

«Can I do something with it? – thought Max. – If yes, then the main question is how»? It is not right to bring misery with the feeling, which is supposed to bring happiness and uplift and not to provoke distress. It is necessary to get strengths and do something to make Svetlana happy and receive what she wants so much, so that this something can become a product of love and adoration. «Then she will forget me. Not right away, but slowly and painlessly. People forget very easy, especially good things, – thought Max sadly. – Moreover, Sveta has a family and a son. There must be a way to strengthen her family, otherwise, falling more in love with me, she would destroy it. May be not, but affliction needs to be prevented! So what can I do? Dissecting and analyzing the situation makes it clear that there is a solution: a baby». This sudden thought stroke Max. That has been an answer to all his thinking and concerns; it really was a real and deserving way out of the situation! He realized everything so fast, that his heart, weak at the moment, contracted and made him bend on the bed. For a couple of minutes, he could not breathe and move. Maxim recalled his dream and went through the accident and Svetlana’s life before it. He acknowledged that the reason which led to car crash was the strong desire to have another child. However, after the accident took place because of the psychological reasons Sveta could not have kids anymore. Max felt a little better, he started to breathe harder, as if he had taken a long and laborious run; he was sweating heavily and wanted to drink. He was suffocating from the lack of air. Remembering, that the doctor recommended aerating the room more, Maxim pushed away from the wall and fell on the floor from bed. He could not stand up but the balcony door was very close, so Max opened it a little bit, inhaled fresh air and lost consciousness. He woke up from coldness. After closing the balcony door with the effort, Max climbed to bed and came back to his reasoning. He could not warm up and was frozen even under the blanket, but he felt better and could think clearly.

«That means, – Maxim said to himself making a conclusion, – that I need to help her to have a child»! He got scared from this thought and decided to stop deliberating. Sveta has a husband; all what he has to do is to create a psychological situation which would be different from the one happened during the car crash.

By what means long lasting distress, which led to the miserable condition the beloved woman, could become normalized within a year by him – a small child who does not understand much in life? Moreover, he was trying to learn something himself, take life lessons; his soul was opened to everything good, innocent and pure. Max was not intimidated by anything. It was just that he could not understand – actually believe, that it is possible now, right now find courage and address all energies in that direction… Maxim knew that he could not just sit and wait. He could not let himself give up, leaving his loved woman without a child that she wanted to have for so many years, and dreamed that one day it would be true. It was very hard to recognize that if he gave up and did nothing, then no one would be able to make her happy. Maxim thought that he needed to get well soon, not to overwork or torture himself with unnecessary thinking. The priority is the main goal, since he has taken the main decision: «Svetlana Victorovna will have a baby for sure, and I, little child like everyone believes, shall help her in that! No matter what it will take».

Max decided to get some rest, thanking himself for taking a decision, and promised to figure everything out tomorrow. He had a severe headache and could not think any longer because of the fever. Maxim was bedeviled by his morbid powerlessness, the necessity to stay in bed when he wanted to act! Only one thought which appeared in his tired mind was comforting him. While he is ill, he has time to think everything over till the end, so that when he recovers he will be able to act right away. Moreover, he does not have a concrete plan. Only the necessary result is known. Maxim was trying to calm down and not to pay attention at anything. «No feelings! – he said to himself. – Otherwise they would run me over and I’ll be able to do nothing…»

IX

Sveta perceived herself again in the free flight highly above the earth. For some time, she felt herself unbound and clean from all of her solicitudes. She did not look down, as if she had known that if she looked underneath, then all the problems and troubles would overwhelm again. She would not be able to contain herself and, as usual, with heavy burden in soul and pain in the heart, would be accepting the destiny strikes, hoping that every one of them would be the last one. She wanted everyone else to experience this strength, which lifted her so high and gave freedom from sins. Svetlana tried to control her emotions. She looked at her body. One circumstance was surprising: it is still her, but not her at the same time. She seemed to be gone. She sees herself only as she used to be, and now she is very different: without fear, envy, unnecessary concerns and infamous wishes. Svetlana realized that only by controlling our thinking we can control our actions; if the thoughts are wicked, then the actions are the same. This is how problems arise. Suddenly Sveta started to think about where she was. See sees the earth as if through the window, but not from the airplane or the space craft – there is no space craft here! It does not surprise or worry her and does not even seem frightening. Now, feeling more confident, she looked at the earth from above, but didn’t see it. It was like she was watching her whole life on TV screen and was getting angry from every single mistake that she had done. Watching her wrongful life, Svetlana didn’t know where to run from the shame she experienced. She tried not to look, diverting from the view, but it didn’t seem to work. Then Svetlana started to search for other actions to improve her past, but it didn’t work either.

She realized that past can’t be altered. It is only possible to protect yourself from improper deeds, sufferings and emotions, ones that should be dreaded. Svetlana imagined the whole complexity of this work. She made herself to ask the question:

«Will I be able to overcome my pride, mightiness of my ego, or not? Or should I be drowning in that endless chasm?!» Before answering that question, Svetlana thought that upon coming back to earth, she won’t remember what is happening now and will enter the route she has walked on before for many years. She never had a single attempt to walk off that route to work on herself, to overstep the desires and principles, to break the plans, and to act in the unusual way… She was pulled down again and followed by the invisible force, remembering her earthly decision: to start a new life, to ignore seduction and to help others. Within a few moments she understood and went through the periods of life which had brought her a lot of pain. Lying on the couch at home, Svetlana still thought that she was somewhere above and didn’t pay much attention to the surrounding. In her mind she was approaching the earth, but in reality she stood up and went to the kitchen. Svetlana could not think of anything and she had unexplainable feeling that she lived in the world of dreams. She wanted to bring placidity and confidence to this world. At lightning speed, she approached the earth and admitted with horror, that she was leaving all the lucid and pure, and was getting back to wrongful and earthy.

When the decision is taken, it is necessary to begin an arduous struggle with yourself, which is even harder when you are a woman.

Svetlana sighted, dropping ashes on the floor, and painfully landed on the ground. Sitting on the chair, she agitated, sweat covered her forehead, everything inside was turning upside down. She sensed that earthy is winning over all pure and clean in the unfair fight. She could not affect the situation, not seeing on the earth such a clear feeling as existed there, above. She will simply die without it like a fish without water. Not remembering how she ended up on the couch, Svetlana recalled Maxim, being little boy, when she first noticed him in the crowd of the dressed up students on the first of September. They didn’t know each other at all then. First grade student came up to her and silently gave her flowers. Mature woman, used to the flowers and attention from men, was astonished by that present. All years before their next meeting she was surprised by the thoughts of this boy, understanding with horror that she was falling in love with him… She was shocked by the fact that she didn’t know his name, and that he was not much older then her son… She has a totally different love for him then for her son. This love confused Svetlana, didn’t let her live peacefully. She caught herself thinking, that the feeling was not just captivating or enjoyable. Svetlana was overanxiously afraid to confess: her love was very strong, so strong that she didn’t want anything else from this life, other then this insane, clean, virginally sincere love, essential like water, air, snow… All in life is worthless without this feeling. When she pronounced Maxim’s last name, not knowing yet that it was his, Sveta had no premonition.

She even wanted to cry at that moment: he had such eyes! She saw the same feeling in his soul, like in the mirror and realized that she loved him even more insane. At that time, she started to worry about having a child… It was so many years ago, Gosh! Svetlana tried to run away from her thoughts but they didn’t yield. She was scared to tell it to her husband. She imagined that he would suspect something or would understand something; what he was going to understand Svetlana didn’t know. She was scared of that even more, that someone would find out about her feelings, especially her husband. When she was assured by the sincerity, honesty and even sanity of Maxim, she still doubted her strengths. Then, finding courage, under control of that fear she could not control herself, and under the influence of the strength of emotions she finished her plan to the following consequences. «What did I do? Heavenly Father»! Sveta covered her face with hands and started to cry, letting tears flow and thought that those tears would be the last in her life, that now she would surely change and become a different person. However, Maxim’s love was torturing Svetlana all the time, as if someone was leading her, following all her steps, not giving a chance to walk freely. Svetlana, searching for a solution, was getting confused and could not concentrate on her actions, saying not what she wanted, but something that was against her thoughts and wishes. As it seemed she was making mistakes, acting with little benefits for herself, and with more for others. Svetlana berated herself for that, thinking, that weakness and uncertainty made her act this way. Time was passing by, her actions made other people happy; then she looked at herself differently. Not stepping on herself, her pride and ambitions, her ego, she would not be able to bring so much positive, unless she was guided by this life. Why does she feel she is so weak, or vice versa, so strong? Svetlana could not figure that out, letting the time giving the answer to that.

Interesting, how does this feeling affect Maxim? Turns out very strange: he is so young, but he is the force which guides her… Facial expression of her face changed, this thought intimidated her. How about the age? Life experience? All that only comes with time. «Time and his strength took away the ability to have children… For what?!» – Sveta cried, closing face with palms. At that moment it seemed that tears were the remaining of weakness she was not free from yet. Svetlana cried till the thoughts which provoked tears disappeared. Getting the last energies, she calmed down and took herself together.

She remembered the moment of the car accident very calmly, not worrying about anything. She tried to remember every detail and to understand their importance. Suddenly she realized that all the years of her suffering – about ten years – narrowed to the couple of moments which led to the result which took her dream away. Right now she can’t return things to how they were, she needs help from outside. Who can help her in that, she does not know. Telling herself that she needs to wait again, Svetlana smiled and thought that at the situations like this only frantic love can help. She has that kind of love! She became petrified. Maxim! Maxim! Maxim! This is what I need to wait for! His actions! But what kind of actions? What can he do, when he just loves me – it does not matter that he loves me like a woman and I love him like a man! We can’t have any relationship anyway! And I need a baby! Svetlana didn’t hold tears again, so they were running down her face and she ignored them. Recalling the doctor’s words, she got even more confused: she is healthy, but her psychological trauma is the compelling challenge which restrains her. This wall – her own creation, made up in years, which is now becoming the grandest obstacle to her dream.