Theater Plays
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MAN: Why? Why do we need this dictator? Are there no other directors?
CONSULTANT: Do you think other directors are better? They’re all dictators… Not that they’re the only ones… Besides, it’s too late to be talking about replacements and changes. The ceremony will be happening in a matter of hours. Better try to follow his instructions. Then you won’t butt heads as much.
DIRECTOR returns, putting his phone away.
DIRECTOR: We’ll continue the rehearsal. (to WOMAN) Do you know your part by now?
WOMAN: (uncertainly) I’ve studied it.
DIRECTOR: Very well. So as not to go around in circles, we’ll move on to the second paragraph.
WOMAN: (holding the paper with her lines) Dear Alexander!.. (to DIRECTOR) Alexander – who’s that?
DIRECTOR: The person you’re burying, obviously.
WOMAN: Was his name Alexander?
DIRECTOR: Probably. You ought to know.
CONSULTANT: (with barely concealed irritation) Yes, his name’s Alexander. Do you really not remember?
WOMAN: How’m I supposed to know? I’d never heard of any Alexander before he blew the whistle on our real estate and oil deals.
CONSULTANT: (gruffly) My dear, when you speak, your words should be better than silence. The director doesn’t need to know the details of your private life.
WOMAN: What did I say that was so wrong? We’re among friends here.
CONSULTANT: (decisively) Come with me. You need a splash of cold water. And a change of clothes, into something more decent.
WOMAN: But what about the rehearsal?
CONSULTANT: The director will work with our esteemed premier in the meantime.
DIRECTOR: Who put you in charge, to be bossing people around and interfering with my work?
CONSULTANT: I’m not interfering, I’m helping. (to WOMAN, in a commanding tone) Let’s go.
WOMAN makes for the door, but CONSULTANT stops her.
Hold on. Give me your purse for a minute. (takes WOMAN’s purse, removes a bottle of brandy, and puts it on the shelf) Now we can go.
CONSULTANT and WOMAN exit.
DIRECTOR: (to MAN) So. I’ll have to work just with you for now. The principal task of tomorrow’s show is high ratings, is that clear? That’s the spirit in which the show must be framed.
MAN: I completely agree with that as far as my personal approval numbers are concerned. But not that woman’s numbers. She shouldn’t have been allowed to take part in the performance at all.
DIRECTOR: I don’t quite understand who you’re talking about. The consultant?
MAN: No, that… lady minister. I don’t want to say anything bad about her, but you can see for yourself that she’s a complete airhead.
DIRECTOR: An actress needs talent, not brains. You’re not good with her as an actress?
MAN: I’m not good with her as a politician.
DIRECTOR: What’s wrong with her?
MAN: The fact that there’s been too much of her recently. She’s sticking her nose in everywhere, giving interviews to everyone, sounding off on every issue. And d’you know why? You won’t believe it: she has her sights set on my job.
DIRECTOR: She has?!
MAN: Of course. Why are you surprised? Don’t you know that the more mediocre a person is, the more overblown his ambitions are?
DIRECTOR: Why did you bring her into your government?
MAN: You think I’m the one who brought her in? Unfortunately, not everything depends on me… Besides, there are various political considerations…
DIRECTOR: What considerations could there be, other than the wheeling and dealing?
MAN: Decorum and political calculation require a minimum of two or three women in the government. And preferably not old battleaxes, but the kind that can be shown on TV. So I had to bring her in. Besides, the others were even worse.
DIRECTOR: And you don’t take smarts and fitness for the job into account?
MAN: What do smarts have to do with it? You can’t see that on TV. You know the old joke “Is it better to be stupid or bald?” The answer is “Stupid. It’s not so noticeable.” So broads like that shine on screen, while others do their work for them.
DIRECTOR: That’s all well and good, but what do you want from me? My business isn’t with the government, it’s with this rehearsal. I can’t kick her out. She’s written into my contract. The viewers want to see not only a coffin and glum faces, but also a trendy hairstyle, an elegant suit, a slender waist, legs all the way up to there, and the rest of it. It’ll liven up the spectacle. Everybody’ll be talking about it. Plus, there has to be a woman crying bitter tears at a staged funeral. She comes off as more sincere, more emotional than a man. Women are believed to be more driven by feeling than by reason. They tug harder at the viewer’s heartstrings.
MAN: (gloomy) So the long and the short of it is that all eyes will be on her, and only her.
DIRECTOR: Very well. I’ll try to balance that out.
MAN: Isn’t there some way of getting by without her?
DIRECTOR: I’ve already told you no. Anyway, it’s too late.
MAN: But at least show her as little as you can. Or film it so that she seems even more of a birdbrain, if that’s possible. You can do that. Or cut her out of the shot altogether.
DIRECTOR: You’d best mind your own business and leave my work to me.
WOMAN returns. She has sobered up a little and has even had time to change into a dark, well-tailored suit appropriate for a funeral.
MAN: (cheerfully) Our beauty’s back! We could hardly wait.
WOMAN: I know. That’s why I made it snappy.
DIRECTOR: (in a low tone, to MAN) And you turn out not to be such a bad actor after all.
MAN: (cheerfully) Let’s pull together now, the three of us, and get on with the job.