Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Франк Илья Михайлович

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

What seems to be the problem?

A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек

говорит взволнованно в телефон; frantic — неистовый, лихорадочный), "My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart! (и у нее схватки с промежутком в две минуты; apart — в стороне, отдельно, порознь)"

"Is this her first child? (это ее первый ребенок)" — the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).

"No, you idiot! (нет, вы идиот; idiot ['dt])" the man shouts (кричит). "This is her husband! (это ее муж)"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

No, you idiot!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby (женщина села в автобус, держа на руках ребенка).

The bus driver said (водитель автобуса сказал), "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen (это самый уродливый ребенок, какого я когда-либо видел)."

In a huff (в гневе; huff — вспышка гнева), the woman slammed her fare into the fare box (женщина швырнула деньги в ящик для оплаты проезда; fare — плата за проезд; to slam — хлопнуть /дверью/; швырнуть /со стуком/) and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus (и заняла сиденье около прохода в задней части автобуса; aisle [al]).

The man seated next to her (человек, сидящий рядом с ней) sensed that she was agitated (почувствовал, что она взволнована) and asked her what was wrong (и спросил ее, что случилось).

"The bus driver insulted me (водитель автобуса оскорбил меня)," she fumed (сказала, кипя от злости; fume — дым или пар /с сильным запахом/; to fume — дымить, окуривать).

The man sympathized (посочувствовал) and said, "Why, he's a public servant (да,

ведь он «общественный служащий») and shouldn't say things to insult passengers (и не должен говорить оскорбительные для пассажиров вещи; "вещи, чтобы оскорблять пассажиров")."

"You're right (вы правы)," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind (думаю, я вернусь туда и скажу ему все, что я думаю: "дам ему кусок моего разумения")."

"That's a good idea (хорошая идея)," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey (давайте, я подержу вашу обезьянку)."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

What's wrong?

You are right.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн; to urinate ['jurnet]).

"Everyone knows (все знают)," the mother lectured him (стала его поучать, отчитывать), "that from time to time (что время от времени), young children urinate in a pool."

"Oh really? (неужели)" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!? (с трамплина: "с ныряльной доски"; to dive — прыгать в воду, нырять)"

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

Oh really?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя), so Homer (и Гомер)– who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал)– went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост).

"Okay," the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул), "Homer, what is 1 and 1? (сколько будет 1 и 1)"