Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Франк Илья Михайлович

"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why… I'll eat it right up."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman. "To find your mom?"

"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon… 'cause we don't have any electricity!"

Watch this!

I'm getting a plate and a spoon.

A grade school teacher (учительница

начальной школы) was asking students (спрашивала учеников) what their parents did for a living (что их родители делают для «проживания» = чем они зарабатывают на жизнь). "Tim, you be first (Тим, ты будь = будешь первым)," she said. "What does your mother do all day? (что твоя мама делает весь день = чем она занята)"

Tim stood up and proudly said (Тим поднялся и гордо сказал /to stand-stood-stood/), "She's a doctor (она доктор)."

"That's wonderful (это чудесно). How about you, Amie? (а у тебя, Эми)"

Amie shyly (застенчиво) stood up, scuffed her feet (повозила ногами) and said, "My father is a mailman (мой отец почтальон)."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father (а как насчет твоего отца), Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced (объявил; announce ['nauns]), "My daddy plays piano (мой папа играет на пианино) in a whorehouse (в борделе; whore — проститутка)."

The teacher was aghast (ошеломлена; aghast — пораженный ужасом, ошеломленный ['a:st]) and promptly (быстро, тут же) changed the subject to geography (переменила тему на географию). Later that day (позже в тот же день) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell (позвонила в звонок /to ring-rang-rung/).

Billy's father answered the door (открыл дверь; to answer — отвечать). The teacher explained (разъяснила, сообщила) what his son had said (что сказал его сын) and demanded an explanation (и потребовала объяснения).

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney (на самом деле я адвокат). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? (как бы я объяснил это: «как могу я объяснить подобную вещь» семилетнему /ребенку/)"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale —

продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble — пузырь; to bubble — пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll — вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [n'rul]; roll — свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами)."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole — задний проход: ass — задница + hole — дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"