Unspoken words
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I was glad to hear that it was his choice, as for me my study at university was kind of a servitude action. I wanted to finish high school but my mum had another opinion and some of the teachers had whispered her that it would be better for me to have two educations rather than accomplishing high school. My desire was completely mortified when I failed Math exam in order to enter Pedagogical College to be a primary teacher. To be honest, I had done it on purpose as I longed for being an interpreter not a teacher but there were no programs after secondary school. Eventually, my mum said to me that I was going to enter a college where my cousin used to study promising me that along with it I would also take up language courses, I bought it, for good or for worse. I studied management, economics and accountancy, doing my best at it but having no enthusiasm at all. During lessons I was thinking about my evening language classes and that brought me joy. In fact it was my place of refuge from the problems I was facing during college time. I wasn’t quite popular at first year of college. I did my best at learning process and extracurricular activities but my group mates were vicious with me. I was a Christian, vulnerable girl with big pink spectacles who believed in good and tried to create the same atmosphere around myself. However this produced a result of public ridicule and ever-lasting bullying by boys and girls who were of other kind. I didn’t understand why they were behaving like this, as deep inside they were great chaps I could see it, but that didn’t change their attitude towards me. Probably, they had some insecurities and problems of their own which they put on me in that form to deal with their stuff. That time I wished eagerly for revenge of any kind. I wanted everyone of them to feel the pain I felt when I cried myself out to sleep because of their actions. Would I be revengeful with them now? No, not at all. Firstly, because they had to put up with other hardships in their lives, secondly, I learnt valuable lessons and it made me stronger and turned into a person who I am now. I can even tell them thank you. The best revenge is your success and self-respect and self-love which you can give to others as well. Negativity towards others destroys us. Anyway let’s comeback to the things we have now. I was surprised that Haim had chosen Krag to study in. Our town was impregnated with supermarkets running by big heads who were always in a continual rat race between each other in order to demonstrate who was richer and more powerful. No wonder that both of them were also integrated in the world of politics, playing deputes and goodwill ambassadors. Most of the factories weren’t working as it wouldn’t bring much profits to those high circles of society, even though the local production would be beneficial for common people of our town, but whom we were needed to. To nobody. There were many churches to show how religiously minded our town was. Indeed the majority of the population visited those sacred places but when you saw those God orientated members in real life most of the times you wanted to puke or become an atheist. As for me I believed in high powers without affiliating myself with any religion. But we will get back later to this discussion, my dear reader. So, I wondered how he might like Krag.
Haim told his story. He landed, took a taxi from the airport (there is only one airport in the whole city) and while he was going he was shocked by the view as the place where he lived was sunny, with mountains, seaside, beautiful architecture and here all gloomy with nothing to fancy around and he was realizing that was where he was doomed to spend next 7 years of his life. And for two 2 years he was looking forward when he would come back home. Nevertheless when he came back home he asked to himself: “What am I actually doing here? Everything has changed” so since then Krag has become his hometown by choice.
“Reframing happened, perhaps you have grown and people who are around you now are giving you the feeling of being at home the place where you are meant to be. As for me I had the only place where I could feel myself like home. But it closed for me for good regarding my old age. It is clinical hospital for children where I spent a good half of my childhood. Normal people say that I am all out of sorts but it is not of their business. I love this place, I didn’t even execute the right to go home at weekends, even we were allowed to do so. We were allowed to walk there, we had entertainment programs, we had school there but then I grew up.”, that was my response.
“It doesn’t matter what the place is, what matters is what you feel being there. Where did you study?” he seemed to be interested in our conversation as he made an effort to proceed with it.
“Institute of management, economics and business, specialty: public and municipal administration.”
“But we thought it was foreign languages field.”, he said.
I explained him that the majority of people thought like that when they met me for the first time, especially when all your colleges graduated from language orientated universities.
I told him the story about my mother’s choice and my small structure of thinking at 15. About how I graduated from secondary school and that after finishing college I wasn’t capable enough to pass some school subjects in order to enter the university I wanted as I was bad at Maths and had no chances with it especially after two years of not even solving an equation of any sort. So I stayed in the same establishment where I had studied management but continued with a Bachelor’s degree in public and municipal administration as I had already mentioned and that was how I killed my dream to be an interpreter. My years at university seemed an age and not the golden one either. It comprised my struggle with habituating myself to new timetable and unwonted tasks, some teachers you wished you had never met and my bulimia in its blooming period. In spite of my eternal hatred to this place, I pushed myself through the boundaries to get that diploma with honours, take part in the conferences, I had the moments which you would always be grateful for and I met people I wouldn’t have ever met if I hadn’t studied there. Nevertheless I was a good advertisement for the institute as well, I passed exam for the FCE test (First certificate in English which demonstrates your proficiency at it). On holidays I went to the Olympic Games in the vest of interpreter, I studied Italian for all period while I was studying the main subjects at university. It was quite a time. I graduated last year but having no pedagogical degree I was seen skeptically at interviews but then it turned out to be of less importance, especially when I had already been tutoring for 6 years in my own whenever I had free time and people who had will to learn English.
Chapter 3
The following week was even better. It passed to October, the weather was unusually versatile changing from “bloody cold” state to “how is it possible to be so warm?” one. I loved autumn and not because I celebrated my birthday this month but because it gave me the incentive to create. The particular weather, penetrating rains, sombre days which made you to take a book, had a tea and climbed into the windowsill and read, sometimes distracting from the text to admire the views which brought you miles away from the window from your life to the place where you were meant to be even you had no vague idea what this place was. It was my sort of shrine from the outside malice of the world. I would grab a blanket covering in it as I was a caterpillar in a cocoon who was waiting for the crucial moment in its life – to become a splendid butterfly. However there was no chance of any kind like this for me. With my schedule I barely could go to the toilet left alone being in an inventive, creative mood. I didn’t want anything, just lie down and do nothing, contemplating about void.
By the way my best friend Alice who I happened to work with had the same feelings, adding also her continuously state of being severely ill, that’s why I always tried to be for her anytime she needed as I was worried about her. Nevertheless everything had its limits and one day I collapsed writing her that I neither doing well and it steamed into this:
“I have been reflecting all day today, okay more crying than reflecting but still. I realized that only we were capable ourselves to get out from this vortex of problems, this gap of darkness, because nobody will understand what is happening inside, even the most close ones. They have never faced something of the kind. When we needed each other we weren’t together as nobody of us wanted to put the weight of her problems onto the other and it was kind of embarrassing to talk. And now this lump of silence is trying to get out but doesn’t want to be released grabbing into itself more and more hardships and problems, it is so strong that you wish to switch off your emotions, feeling, and humanity. This time I intend that we are for each other, yes, it won’t be easy but we will be together. Hence stop apologizing to me for everything you say, for expressing your true feelings, I want you to tell me all your inner state, your perceptions, experiences, no matter how dumb or absurd it is going to sound. I have been staring at our photo for ages today and I have recollected that day in details, what we were doing, what we were telling each other, what pancakes you were eating, what you were wearing and then how we took pictures and then divided them between ourselves and what you gave me inasmuch as it was my birthday. Only seven months passed since the time we’d got acquainted and I figured out that together we could do anything, survive whatever happening in the world. No matter how we don’t want it and how we are ready to throw in the tunnel, but we must remind each other how strong we are even if it is going to annoy us. I express all my gratitude in your regards for that I have you in my life and I love you very much. So, if we lose ourselves at this time and space, everything will die around us, we will be like wandering aimless ghosts which stuck between worlds and I don’t want it.”
She was still in her eternal doubts about my words as she wasn’t ready to heal, sometimes I even found that we kind of enjoyed being misery guts, it was our part of life. She said that it was hard for her to reveal her rigours on me and that she was cried her eyes out reading my message.
“Hey, crying isn’t that bad, it shows that we are still possessed by some emotions, that there is life inside us which is trying to find a way out. It is not negative in that case, it is intrinsic state and if it is hold tight in captivity for so long it will eventually explode, and as for me it would be easier to know about this state, rather than you are going to fake. Honest perceptions are better than dissimulation which will cork you even tight. It will be hard work for us but we must try it out.” I didn’t give up on us.
Notwithstanding that she was giving in, talking about all the traitors and severities in her life. Eventually, I collapsed and piped my eyes as well remembering how I was left out when my grandfather had passed away. I was in hospital at that time being ill with anorexia, I will tell you my issues with food later, my dear reader. Everyone who I considered my friends didn’t even bother to visit me and I had no desire to tell anyone about my feelings as it was a waste of time. People would say that I lamented too much and then just kicked out you from their lives like a piece of trash. After I had a person in my life who I trusted in the way I could give up myself. I disclosed every aspect and emotional experience of life to him. I thought this was it, finally I had someone who could accept me as I was, wherethrough he had experienced even more life shit than I. I esteemed him to be my life savior inasmuch as he stabbed me in the back because of nothing. Every day I was lying to myself that I let the past go but it wasn’t true. Every time I was trying to find something in an effort to kill the pain, but then comprehended that it was still there and I didn’t have enough guts to turn the page, to close the book and start reading a new one. People let me go as I had never existed in their thread of life, as I had been just an object which became too old or uninteresting. I just wanted a friend. That was another example of fit of my profound attachment to people. In the end of my jeremiads I added that I wanted to cry with her, this was the only way.
That was how I returned to the point where I had wanted to get out of, just by remembering the past. Regardless of my denials to see the light, it presented in my day. I neglected the fact that there was a special connection between me and Haim, I pushed away any thoughts of the kind, with all my inner self I blindfolded my eyes convincing myself that he was communicating with me only out of respect. Moreover, I made a decision not to tell anyone that I had a crush on a student. Moreover I was not in the mood to have one more story with an apprentice. Meanwhile the sufficient attachment had already been developed.