Unspoken words
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Then it was my turn to reiterate about my friendships which some of them I even worshipped and cherished because they were really meaningful for me.
“I have only one friend from school (I was talking about Sara, we met when I changed school for a new one, it was the third form. We didn’t hit off from the very beginning due to the fact that I had already had a friend who studied there and she was thick with another girl but as classmates we got on well together), then one friend from university (Her name was Iren, she was a complete opposite of me, girly, model type, heaps of boys were around her all the time, she possessed leadership qualities and always knew how to handle the most sophisticated situations), one more I met at Olympic Games, she lives in a big city with her boyfriend who happened to be my friend as well and they want me to live me with them, at least for some time. Alice, who had to be your teacher is also my friend (I met her at the meeting of Olympic volunteers and we got on like a house in fire immediately, hence we ended up to work together). They are the most important people in my life. It is so exciting each time to realize that absolutely foreign people enter your life and you are not able to imagine it without them anymore.
Of course, it has been information of grand significance for you:)”, I smile, considering that most of the time people are bored to death hearing stories of the general.
However his response proved me wrong:
“If it were uninteresting, I would have said it. But why not to have a chat. I like what you are telling me.”
Could you imagine my face at the moment I was reading it? I doubt so, I was over the moon, I put cream from all pots in the world. I would usually resend all my conversations with guys to my friends but it was not the case as I had decided I was going to do it anymore. First of all, he didn’t like me, so there was no point, second of all, first time in my life I didn’t want them to know that I actually liked someone, because I couldn’t admit it even to myself. I let things go hang. I was tired of coming up with schemes to grab somebody’s attention, I wanted to be myself for god’s sake, without pretense.
Even having such interactions with him I was in a desolate condition that was what I wrote in my diary:
Dear diary,
‘I don’t know what is going. I am lost. I have to move on but the sudden attachment to all my students is impending me to do it. I am in a trap. I’ve become so close to these guys that I started to see the sense of life in them. Miranda is a one ear deaf girl, she is so sunny creature who makes you smile through the day, Alex is a six year old who loves me so genuinely that he is willing to study even Italian with me and after each class he tells me how he likes me and our classes. Olivia is a complicated girl who survived the coma and inability to speak for 3 long years of her life, she has difficulties with remembering things but is trying so hard and others guys are so attached to me that they even share their personal life with me and ask for advice. How on Earth could I leave them!? I see the potential in each of them. Somebody is going fast, somebody is a little slower but they are all determined and have incentive to surmount all bad weathers in their ways. I am in a predicament, confused. I guess I need time off to contemplate about what I really want and how to bring my desires to reality.
I would be a hypocrite but I can’t also deny the fact that I have special attachment to one of the student like I don’t have to anyone else. I like his personality, unique being and childish features in character. I hope for nothing but I can’t imagine my life without him at the same moment. As far as I see he is not interested at me at all, I am just a person who delivers the knowledge he would like to have in possession, we can’t be even friends. I am a lost case, I know I am the one of those who has crushes on people, loving the strange kinds of population, but never being loved back. Anyway, I will brace my energies and get the life not harassing others.’
I bet you speculated who that special student was. At least I avowed to myself what I really felt about him even if I continued to cram my feelings into a trash bin of my subconsciousness.
Chapter 4
Have you ever felt yourself empty to death? When you are dead among living, you walk, you breathe, you integrate with others but mentally you have been dead for quite a time. You cry but tears do not come out because the hole inside you is so enormous that everything is switched off. You feel like you are losing your humanity, all your senses are lost in oblivion of your delusions. However self-hatred is always with you, it is the only sense you are not able to get the grips with and throw away from your life. You detest yourself for every missed opportunity for every piece of time you lost, for things you have never done, for things you have done. This syndrome of living death is called binge eating.
All above –mentioned words have to do with compulsive eating patterns, when you eat off limits and then start feeling and thinking in this way. While you are eating you literally turn off all your senses, you are in the kingdom of food consumption, you do not think what you eat, how it will reflect on your health and how disgusting you will be feeling after that. Only what matters is to stuff into yourself more and more edible things. And then, you are in the state when you barely can sit because you have gobbled so much stuff into yourself, you start regretting and it is the most painful thing. Moreover, you are afraid to share the problem with someone, you think people are going to judge you, to discuss you, to gossip on you, to mock at you for your weakness, but binge eating is not a weakness, it is a disease which is comparable with drug addiction. Drug addicts use prohibited substances in order to relax from fatigue, forget about problems and just to feel themselves in the state of total peacefulness giving no care to the outside world. Binge eating is another sort of addiction, you eat mostly for the same reasons but the effect of food comfort longs for minutes, when you are full and barely can move you start to hate everything around you including yourself, suicidal inclinations take place, self-flagellation goes between reasonable control (self-hurting, usage of laxatives, vomiting, excessive exercising sessions).
You eat while nobody is watching you because you are too scared and ashamed to be seen by someone, how you pile up yourself with food. You always have switches in your mood, you think about suicide as the best solution to your problems. You hope for tomorrow and this tomorrow never comes. You are prisoned in your own mind. Darkness’s embodied you. There is no way to see the light. You might ask why it is happening, why you people with disorders can’t live as everybody does and just take things for granted. The reason is that we can’t, yes, we want to be happy, we want to enjoy every moment of life and smile to passers-by spreading positive vibes but we are cursed. Family problems, troubles with friends, dramatic relationships, other kinds of problems all at once influence too hard on us. We are reacting with speed power to every single thing in this world, too sensitive, too weak creatures. People wonder why after treatment we do not trust people instantly and start to be susceptive, because hole of desperation, long loneliness and misappreciation by others is not easy to cure.
I had been suffering from binge eating for four years so far, even though I had made so much for its prevention, but I still had attacks in the moments of emptiness of emotions or when I saw people putting off their masks and showing who they really were, I knew that I had to collect my faculties and put up with this world but sometimes I was so fragile that I just wanted a hug and get a little bit of time with someone like just staring at the ceiling and lying in silence or staring at the window hand in hand, I didn’t ask for much. However, life is not that simple. My first binge urges started when my friend said to me that I was a blond silly girl who was always whining and since when we only had known about each other that we existed in the same universe, it was hard for me because I cared too much about him, every single day I tried to support him in his difficulties but I got nothing in return when I needed help and such stories happened 3 times in a row but with other people, I wanted to die so hard, you give yourself away, striving to do your best for people you love and they just used you. It had a great impact on me.
A sunny girl turned into a fading ray, which couldn’t rise with every sunrise, I had some days when I was about to rise but I instantly sank down again. Life was strangled out from me. I wished I had never been born, I envied to people who died, I wished to change my life on death with those people. I was not going to lie but I cut my hands in order to feel better in that way some pain went away as I thought. I took antidepressants which made my condition even worse, they just gave me the feeling of indifference and more conviction of my uselessness on this planet. Step by step, I gained a lot of weight, earned low self-esteem, stopped going out somewhere with friends and cut off all social engagement with people. I longed to return to my previous life but I couldn’t. Food became my friend and the worst enemy at the same time.
I know, I didn’t mention all the feelings and problems which go along with binge eating and any eating disorder but only the basic concept, just give a brief appraisal to this disease. The most important thing is here that people have to think twice before judging a person’s appearance, how fat he or she is, or how skinny, most of the times people have no clue what have to undergo those people every day, how they survive, how they are dead to the world, because they see no light at the end of tunnel. I know, how it is seductive to gossip about someone’s look, but you have no idea how hard you can hurt that person especially if he is in that eating disorder condition. Stop for a minute and put yourselves into his shoes and maybe you will stop to judge that person and keep in mind that nobody is insured from getting into that condition, I had never thought I could be in the category of people with eating disorders and here I was…