Unspoken words
Шрифт:
“Now are you doing the thing which brings you satisfaction, aren’t you?” asked he after my university story monologue.
“Sure, but I can’t say that I am content with the conditions of my work.”, was my response, “I am thinking of quitting, to tell you the truth”.
“Oh, I thought we were going to be for long together.” I felt disappointment in his words but as usually, denied that fact.
“Actually, when I quit I will offer you a deal, so maybe you will go with me afterwards.” I breathed guts to tell that but was afraid how he could take it.
“We will talk about it when the time comes, but now just continue with the studying process.” he said with smile remark.
I remembered perfectly this conversation as I was heading to work and his reaction to my suggestion made my morning with the feeling of pure gay I proceeded with the duties I had on the day till the very evening as usual. With the last lecture being in progress, I got new messages who you could already guess from.
“I am so exhausted. We were tormented on a lecture, then I tried to get some sleep during the other one and at the point when I almost fell asleep I heard “The lesson is over”. God, it happens all the time!”, he exclaimed.
“I perfectly understand you. I have a crazy schedule from 8 am till 20.30 pm, without weekends and my body is so worn out from chronic fatigue that it switches off itself at a break time even though I detest to have naps. But those 50 minutes usually pass in a way as though they were 5 ones.” I responded.
“What do you mean without days off? Are you serious? You can’t do like that.”, he said with worrying note.
“I am serious. One day, I surmise, my organism wouldn’t resist and I won’t be even able to get from my bed. I walk like a zombie to work. Well, I am complaining too much.” I answered with a smile.
“You should take care of yourself or it could happen, indeed. Your organism will tell you one day – oh stop it, I’m done with it.’”
I was particularly pleased with his compassion for me. Though it wasn’t any kind of affection from his side, just politeness but by his simplicity, efforts in the subject and talks with me, he inspired me with a degree of attachment sufficient to make us both content in each other’s society. At least I wanted to believe it, even it was tough for me. I was too disappointed in human race. Meanwhile, Haim decided to tell me the full version of his “why I decided to learn English” story.
“You know, I had the first thought about taking up a language after the end of term exams, when I had nothing to do at all. However, as I started learning English so many times, I didn’t have any desire to study it again. I wanted studying French. Beautiful language. Then, I thought “Why do you need it? And where are you going to speak it. It would be cool but useless. Just in time my friend decided to take lessons of English, so I changed my mind immediately.” he explained.
“I hope you won’t regret about your decision. I deeply realize that without languages in my life I wouldn’t have acquired the majority of things I have now, I wouldn’t have gone to the Olympic Games, I wouldn’t have orders for translations and interpretations, I wouldn’t have gone abroad, I wouldn’t have participated in international conferences but most importantly I wouldn’t have met so classy guys like you and each time when I fathom, I express gratitude towards myself and when I get the idea that I actually can change somebody’s life for the best and put all my forces towards it as much as I can.” I tried to be humble but still my message looked quite flatulent as though I was advertising myself when in the reality I was far from it. It didn’t mean I had never boasted on the contrary I always used any possibility to show off, university also gave me a spur for it. Some professors taught us to stand out our advantages and capabilities explaining that it would be necessary for the future but still I tried to stay humble.
“So many pluses! I am sure there are even more. I have always looked up to my father, he is a sort of my role model. He knows 3 languages and I thought “Damn, am I not capable enough to be like that as well? Bollocks.” His response brought me a picture that his father was idolatrous figure in his life, he spoke about him with such devotion and respect that I found myself to be a little envious. My father left me when I was 8 months old, never trying to get in contact with me, all I saw were alimony reduction letters from him. At 16 I decided to be a big girl I made the first step and was left with disappointment. He said he had already had a family and I would be an obstacle for him. The reality could be harsh but it was for the best. One less hypocrite in my life.
“I look up to many people but most of the time I find myself to be a good for nothing creature. Many people have knowledge of languages channeling it with other more important activities. Anyway, there are their lives but I have my own path I should follow and stop crying around and start to create something mine.” I was broken creature, so self-chastising and self-flagellation were developed on a high scale.
“This is bad that you have such thoughts. It is not true. You are good for everything. Something will come out of it anyway.” Again, he was trying to comfort me and persuade how wrong I was. It was heart melting. I had never expected that a student like him could have written to me anything of the kind, as you remembered my first impressions about him and how far we were now.
I was in the mood to change the subject as I wasn’t in the frame to talk about my miseries:
“Sometimes, it occurs but I try to suppress it. Tell me better how you met Adam and hit it off so well.”
“It was simple, we entered the same university, turned out to be group mates and shared the same desk. The first lecture was anatomy, as far as I remember. We talked and I realized that he was so fucked up as I am, so we have been friends ever since.” The story reminded me of my friends, as the majority of them were sandwiches short of the picnic.
“Fun, this is the most important. Do you miss the friends from your city?” I asked it as I often missed my best friend Sara who moved after school to a big city, her dream city, where she studied her dream profession. I was proud of her, she was so determined, so committed she achieved so much in her own with only little support of her parents. She had always been different from me, getting everything she had ever wanted without pleasing others. I hadn’t been able to do the same as I had no balls to go contrary when people expected something from me I always agreed with their will and not with my own desires and wishes. I stopped living only for others not so long ago.
“I used to miss them but I have grown up since then, but they haven’t. This summer I came and met some of the adequate ones, who are studying at medical universities as well. Though there are some who are still living with their parents and I feel like that they hadn’t grown up at all. They are the same as they were at school. Same mindset, same jokes, conversations about nothing. So, this summer I kissed them goodbye. They were offended, of course, but I couldn’t do in another way, I need to progress with people not to degrade. I am going to Moscow soon for a concert, where I am meeting with my old friend but I reckon that the most truthful friends are the ones you have met at university.” He was so grown up in my eyes that I didn’t even feel that we had the difference in age. His views were of a grown up man not a 19 year old teenager. At his age, the boys I knew, were a complete rack, living to the max and involving their interest only around boxes of beer and cigarettes, declining the usage of their brains at all.