Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Франк Илья Михайлович

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

Listen, it means nothing.

Really?

Can I please talk to the Vice President?

Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень

жарким днем).

One said to the other (один сказал другому), "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."

So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/)," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе). I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь)."

The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take-took-taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go-went-gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of (из-за) intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face (на свое лицо) and said, "Take your shovel (возьми лопату) and hit my hand."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

What do you mean?

Three Englishmen were in a bar (три

англичанина были в баре) and spotted an Irishman (заметили ирландца). So, one of the Englishmen walked over (один из англичан подошел) to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder (хлопнул его по плечу), and said, "Hey, I hear (я слышу) your St. Patrick was a drunken loser (был пьяница-неудачник; to lose — терять; проигрывать)."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that (правда? Я этого не знал)."

Puzzled (озадаченный), the Englishman walked back to his buddies (вернулся к приятелям). "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care (а его это не задело; ему было все равно; to care — заботиться, волноваться)."

The second Englishman remarked (заметил), "You just don't know how to set him off… (ты просто не знаешь как вывести его из себя) watch and learn (смотри и учись)." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying (был лживым), idiotic (идиотичным), low-life scum! (нищим, влачащим жалкое существование мерзавцем; scum — пена, подонок)"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief (невероятно потрясенный: beyond — за пределом; belief — вера), the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right (ты прав). He's unshakable! (он не "потрясаем"; его не расшевелить; to shake — трясти, встряхивать)"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys (парни), I'll really tick him off… just watch (я действительно его "заведу"… только смотрите)." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying (пытались) to tell me."

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off… watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"